A harmonic analysis of State Farm

For a while now, State Farm has been running cute radio ads that incorporate genre-typed jingles. The burrito one is the best; however, it's the coffee one hits me musically. It has an awesome secondary dominant (with an irregular resolution!) in the tenth measure, which - for whatever reason - I really like. After listening to it a kajillion times, I hereby present its harmonic analysis...in ascii art...

..I'm in a
(I) state of caffeination, got all my fingers shakin', must've
(iii) been my large americano mochaccino macciato.
(vi) Now the family's gone to bed, and that's my favorite time to get some
(IV) tips on better rates, 'cuz my State Farm guy answers late and
(vi) even when it's
(V) not my agent
(V6 of V) someone's standing by. So patient!
(IV) Gettin' coverage questions answered
(V) helps me to relax...
(IV) Get to a better
(V) state, State
(I) Farm.
(IV)
(V)
(I)

And if you really want to hear it, someone recorded it on their phone

Big Paw the hamster, R.I.P.

I had a particularly strange Memorial Day this week. As the rest of America reflected on and celebrated our historic veterans, Jennifer and I woke to find one of the hamsters (Big Paw) had suddenly died. She had no injuries, was not obviously ill, and was not old. The coroner has tentatively ruled it a suicide; the other hamster (Sunflower) is under observation and is squeaking with a counselor.

Her sudden death is mysterious, but I think I figured it out. I think it's the Hamster Rapture. Hamster Jesus is recalling all the good hamsters to Hamster Heaven, where they run on noiseless wheels all day, and fill their pouches with an infinite supply of popcorn. The Hamster Rapture was foretold by Hamster Harold Camping, who decoded the Hamster Bible to get the exact time and day of the Hamster Rapture. Hamster Jesus (a long-hair breed, who's (bizarrely) white, and has a beard) will descend and say, "[these] vegetables are MINE! So squeaketh the Lord!". (You have to say "squeaketh" and not "squeak", because even though Hamster Jesus actually spoke in Aramaic, it's considered blasphemy to quote Him in anything but the version of English they spoke in 1611.)

Anyway, Big Paw got raptured, since she's a good hamster, but Sunflower didn't because she's a wretched little shit that bites me relentlessly.